The Upside of Love Read online

  “If you had never given us those tickets, we wouldn’t have gone, and Callie would still be alive today.”

  The knife that plunged into my heart at that moment hurt like nothing else. I’d never felt such pain as I did right then. Not even when I caught Brynn and Hunter together. This pain was far worse and something I’d never experienced before.

  “Are you blaming me for Callie’s death?” I screamed.

  He stood there and then turned away. “I guess I am. I have to get out of here,” he said as he walked to the bedroom and slammed the door shut.

  I felt so shaky and out of it that I needed to sit down on the couch before I collapsed. I couldn’t believe what had just happened and I couldn’t believe Luke blamed me for Callie’s death. He came out of the bedroom with his bag and headed towards the door.

  “Where are you going?” I cried as I jumped up from the couch and grabbed his hand.

  He jerked away from me. “I can’t stay here for a while. I need to think about things.”

  “Think about what? Please don’t leave me, Luke.”

  “I need space, Lily. This is too much for me to handle right now.”

  “If you walk out that door, then you’re blaming me for Callie’s death and that’s not fair.”

  “I’m leaving before we both say something we’ll regret.”

  “It’s too late! You already said it!” I screamed as he walked out the door.

  I grabbed my head and paced back and forth. I picked up the box from the table and threw it against the door. I fell to my knees and sobbed like a baby. How could he do this to me? How could he blame me and then walk out and ruin us? I didn’t know what to do. I needed him. I needed him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be all right. I curled up into a ball in the middle of the floor and didn’t move.

  10

  Luke

  “What the fuck is going on?” Sam yelled as I slammed the door shut.

  “Leave me alone,” I said as I stormed into the bedroom.

  He followed me. “Gretchen and I could hear you and Lily screaming next door. What happened, man?”

  I looked at Sam, who was standing in the doorway, and Gretchen was behind him.

  “You want to know what the fuck happened? I’ll tell you. Lily had a box of pictures she took when she left Seattle. There was a picture of me and Callie. She was the girl who gave us the tickets to Aruba!”

  “So what? What the fuck are you saying, Luke?”

  “If she never would have given me and Callie those tickets, the accident never would have happened.”

  Sam closed his eyes and shook his head. “Oh my God, Luke. Please tell me you didn’t say that to Lily.”

  Suddenly, Gretchen went flying out the door and I assumed over to Lily’s apartment.

  “Get out, Sam. I don’t want to be bothered. I need to think and I can’t do it with you and Gretchen here. Can the two of you go stay somewhere else?”

  “Really, Luke? You can’t stay with Lily, but it’s okay to stay next door? Fuck you. Gretchen and I aren’t going anywhere. You need to grow the fuck up, man. How dare you blame Lily? In fact, I hope she never speaks to you again.”

  I grabbed my bag. “Fuck this. I’ll leave.”

  I strapped the bag to my bike and took off to my parents’ house. They had just left for another cruise and wouldn’t be back for two weeks. My mind was a total clusterfuck. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. I just needed to get really drunk and forget about it, at least for tonight.

  ****

  Lily

  I heard the door open and, for a second, I thought it was Luke coming back to tell me he was sorry, until I heard Gretchen’s voice.

  “Lily,” she whispered as she walked over to me, got down on the floor, and wrapped her arms around me.

  “I don’t know what happened. One second, we were so happy and the next, he’s leaving. I had no idea that he was the one I gave the tickets to. I never opened that box after I developed the pictures.”

  “I know, sweetie. Come on; get up and at least lie down on the couch.”

  She helped me up and over to the couch. I sat there as the tears poured down my face and Gretchen tried to console me. There was nothing anyone could say or do at this point to make me feel better.

  “I need a drink,” I cried.

  “I’ll get you a beer.”

  “No. There’s a bottle of wine in the rack.”

  Gretchen got up and grabbed the wine with two glasses and sat down. The door opened and Sam walked in.

  “Lily. I’m so sorry,” he said as he walked over and put his arm around me.

  I buried my face into his chest and cried some more.

  “Just give him some time, Lily. He’s just freaked out right now. He’ll come around.”

  “What if he doesn’t? What if he hates me forever? He blamed me, Sam. He pretty much said that I killed Callie. How the fuck am I supposed to go on? He’s my life. Finding Hunter and Brynn on my wedding day was nothing compared to this.”

  “You won’t have to. He’ll come around. He’s Luke, and even though he’s a fuckhead right now, we all know what an amazing person he is.”

  “I need to be alone right now,” I said as I looked at Sam and Gretchen.

  “Okay. We’re right next door if you need us.”

  As soon as they left, I grabbed the bottle of wine and took it to the bedroom. I wasted no time downing half of it before I lay down and pretty much passed out.

  11

  Luke

  When I arrived at my parents’ house, I threw my bag down in the hallway and headed to the bar area in the living room. I took out the whiskey bottle, grabbed a glass, and went outside to the patio. It wasn’t too long before I polished off half the bottle. I was so angry. Angry that Lily and I had met before and neither one of us remembered. Angry that she was the one to give us the tickets to Aruba. Angry that the accident happened on the way home from the airport. Angry that I had to find out. There was no reasoning with me at this point. Once the shock settled, I would be able to process things better. But for now, I was ready to pass out.

  I awoke the next morning to the constant ringing of my phone. I rolled over and grabbed it from the other side of the bed to see that Maddie was calling.

  “Hello,” I sleepily answered.

  “Luke, where are you? Aren’t you coming in today? I’ve been trying to call you and Lily all morning and there’s been no answer. What the hell is going on?”

  “I’ll be there soon.” Click.

  I sighed as I rubbed my face and jumped in the shower. As I let the hot water run down me, I felt numb. When I finished, I got dressed, grabbed my keys, hopped on my bike, and drove to the bar.

  “You look like shit,” Maddie said as I walked in. “Cody has been waiting for you. What the hell is going on?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I said as I walked past her.

  I went in my office and Cody was sitting behind my desk.

  “Good morning, boss. Or should I say ‘afternoon.’” She smiled.

  “Sorry. I had a rough night.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. Record all the receipts from last night. That should be the first thing you do when you come in.”

  “Already done.”

  “Oh. Well, then get my files organized. I’ll have a desk moved in here so you don’t have to sit at mine.”

  I walked out and went behind the bar. I grabbed a bottle of beer and opened it. Maddie was standing there, staring at me and giving me a disgusted look.

  “I found out last night that Lily was the woman who gave me the tickets to Aruba.”

  “How did you find that out?” she asked.

  “I found a picture she took of Callie and me in Portland. It was in a box with a bunch of other pictures she took when she left Seattle.”

  “Okay. So then what?”

  “We argued. We fought. I screamed. If she never would have giv
en us those tickets, Callie would still be alive today.”

  Maddie’s eyes widened. “Luke, no. Are you blaming Lily for the accident?”

  I brought the bottle up to my lips and took a long swig of it before answering her.

  “Maybe I am. Maddie, you have to understand where I’m coming from,” I pleaded. If anyone would get me, it would be my sister. “If we didn’t go to Aruba, we wouldn’t have been on our way home that night from the airport and that accident never would have happened and Callie would still be alive.”

  Her eyes filled with tears as she stared at me. “Luke, Lily means the world to you. The two of you are so in love. You can’t possibly forget that. Did you tell her that you blamed her?”

  I nodded.

  “Oh my God, Luke. I can’t even imagine someone saying that to me. I love you, but you’re wrong.”

  “Somehow, I knew you’d take her side.”

  “It’s not about sides. What are you going to do?”

  “I have no clue. I just need some time away to think. I can’t do that here surrounded by everyone. Will you be okay to run the bar while I’m gone?”

  “Yeah, but where are you going?”

  “I’m going to rent a cabin for a couple of days in the mountains and go hiking. It’s the best way to think.”

  “Please be careful,” she said as she kissed my cheek.

  I gave her a small smile and left the bar. I contacted Joe, a friend of my parents who owned a string of cabins in the mountains. He had one cabin left and I reserved it. I headed back to my parents’ house and then over to my apartment to get my hiking boots and jeep. As soon as I walked through the door, I saw Gretchen standing in the kitchen. She turned and looked at me and then turned back around without saying a word.

  “I know you’re pissed off at me and I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to,” she snapped.

  “I’m going away for a couple of days.”

  “I don’t really care,” she snapped again.

  “Have you talked to Lily?” I asked with hesitation.

  She turned around with anger in her eyes and pointed her spoon at me. “That, mister, is none of your fucking business. If you care so much, then go and talk to her and find out how she is yourself,” she yelled as she stomped away and into the bedroom.

  I grabbed my boots and stepped into the hallway, locking the door behind me while I stared at Lily’s door. Fuck. I shook my head and headed to the jeep.

  ****

  Lily

  I tried to open my eyes, but they were too puffy and swollen shut. I had nightmares last night. Nightmares about the accident. I needed to talk to Luke. I picked up my phone and, through my swollen eyes, I sent him a text message.

  “Please come over and talk to me. I’m begging you, Luke.”

  I waited a few minutes and there was no response.

  “Please, Luke. We can talk this out. We can work through this.”

  Still, no response. I didn’t have the strength to do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and I heard Giselle’s voice.

  “Lily, are you in there? Open the door before I break it down.”

  I stumbled out of bed and out of the bedroom to unlock the door. As soon as I opened it, Giselle threw her arms around me.

  “I’m so sorry. Gretchen called last night, but she said you kicked her and Sam out and didn’t want to be bothered.”

  “I can’t do this, Giselle.” I began to cry.

  Her hands firmly clasped my shoulders. “Yes, you can! This is a bump in the road where your relationship is concerned. As soon as that bump is smoothed out, everything will be fine and go back to normal.”

  “Not this time. You didn’t see the anger on his face. You didn’t see the hate in his eyes. You didn’t hear the disgust in his voice.”

  “He’ll realize he’s being an ass and come begging for your forgiveness,” she said.

  “I’m such a mess and I can’t even believe this happened,” I continued to sob.

  “Shh, sweetie. Do you want me to talk to him? Because I’ll punch him in the balls for you. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.” She smiled.

  I let out a light laugh in between sobs. Giselle was the one who always had a way of making light of a horrible situation.

  “Go shower and I’ll make you some coffee. You’re a hot mess right now and you’ll feel better after a hot shower.”

  I nodded and slowly walked to the bathroom. Once I was in the shower and the hot water was beating down my back, the tears started up again and I crouched down in the corner and sobbed.

  12

  Luke

  On the way up to the cabin, I received Lily’s text messages. I couldn’t bring myself to answer her back. I needed time to sort things out; my feelings and my anger. I finally arrived to the cabin where Joe was waiting for me with the keys.

  “Well, if it isn’t Luke Matthews. Long time no see, buddy.” He smiled as we lightly hugged.

  “Pastor Joe, how are you?”

  “I’m good. How are you doing?”

  “I’m okay.”

  “What brings you up here?”

  “I have a lot on my mind and a lot of thinking to do.”

  “Your mom and dad told me you finally bought Bernie’s Bar.”

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “Well, here’s your keys. The place has everything you need. It’s the same one you used to stay in with your parents as a kid.”

  “I can see that. Thank you.”

  “If you need anything, I’ll just be down the road.”

  “Thanks, Joe.”

  I walked through the door and looked around. Nothing had changed. I set my bags down and walked out to the back where the lake was. I’d been wanting to bring Lily here for quite a while, but with the bar, I hadn’t had the time. I knew she’d like it here. It was peaceful and quiet and it would have been just the two of us, like she was always asking. My phone beeped in my pocket, and when I pulled it out, I had a text message from Lucky.

  “Dude, you’re fucking crazy. How could you do that to Lily of all people? You need to talk to her. I know I’m no authority on relationships, but I look up to yours.”

  “You don’t understand, so drop it. I want everyone to leave me alone for a while. Tell Sam that I’ve gone up to the cabin.”

  “You’re crazy, bro. I hate to say this, but I’m really disappointed in you.”

  I didn’t respond. He didn’t understand. Nobody understood. I wasn’t sure if I even understood. I hopped in my jeep and drove to the liquor store for a case of beer and a pizza.

  ****

  Lily

  For the first time in seven months, I was alone. Alone in my apartment like I was when I first arrived here. Being alone was fine before I met Luke. But then he came into my life, swept me off my feet, and loved me like no other person ever had. And now he was gone. I walked to the living room where Giselle had picked up all the pictures and put them back in the box. I didn’t want to see that box ever again. I picked it up off the counter and as I opened the door to go and throw it in the dumpster, Maddie was standing there.

  “Hey, Lily. I didn’t know if you were home. I’m not even going to ask you how you’re doing because I already know.”

  “Come on in, Maddie.”

  I couldn’t turn her away and now I was worried about Charley and how she would react to the news of Luke and me not being together anymore.

  “Have you eaten, Lily?” she asked.

  I shook my head. Food was the last thing on my mind. The truth was that if I even attempted to put food in my mouth, I’d probably throw it up.

  “You need to eat. Let’s go out somewhere. I know you probably don’t want to, but it’ll be good for you to get out, even if it’s only for a couple of hours.”

  “I can’t, Maddie.”

  “Yes, you can. Go grab your purse and let’s go. We’ll go somewhere small where
there’s not a lot of people.”

  She was persistent and I knew she was trying to help. Maybe getting out of this apartment for a couple of hours was what I needed.

  We hopped into her car and she drove us to a cute little diner. When we walked in, we were instantly seated.

  “Luke will come around,” she said as she grabbed my hand. “He’s just upset right now but once he calms down, he’ll be back.”

  “He never should have left. He should have stayed and talked to me. I know we could have worked this out. I swear to you, Maddie, that I had no idea he was the one I gave the tickets to. I swear.”

  “Sweetie, stop. I believe you, and Luke will too.”

  “Luke doesn’t care about that. He only cares that I gave him the tickets, which in turn led to the accident that killed Callie.”

  “He’s an ass and I don’t want you to listen to him.”

  “I sent him a couple of text messages earlier and he never responded.”

  “He might not have gotten them. He’s up at a cabin in the mountains and the service is not all that great.”

  “Why did he go there?”

  “He said he needed to think and clear his head.”

  I sat there in disbelief that Luke would just leave town like that. I knew he was pissed and upset, but I never thought he would leave town.

  “Once he has time to think things over, he’ll be back and at your door.”

  Something inside me started to happen. Something that I’d never expected. I was becoming angry. Angry that he said what he did and angry that he blamed me for Callie’s death. I was going back to that place I was at almost two years ago. The place where anger was comforting and consumed my life.

  “Well, I may not be around if he does decide he was wrong.”

  Maddie looked at me and smiled. “You have every right to be upset with him.”

  She didn’t even know the half of it. I ordered a bowl of chicken noodle soup and Maddie ordered a sandwich. I could barely eat and, with every bite I took, I wanted to vomit.

  13

  Luke